If you came in from an outside link, scroll down past the link table (so sorry!) to read that specific post. Also, scroll down when you click on blog links in here – many of these top links are elsewhere with no introduction.

This isn’t your typical ‘anti-twilight’ blog… This is yet another email (complete with semi-subtle death threat) from someone asking questions about it that some of you may be asking, yourself. Don’t assume that you know what this blog is about simply because you’ve argued on Stephenie Meyer’s behalf before.

This is the very first post on this blog, from my ‘clueless movie fan’ perspective. It was written on Thanksgiving Day, 2011 – then published in here a few days later, after I could reread it and do some editing. It is hysterically funny and incredibly poignant at the same time – for those of you who can’t see Stephenie Meyer’s amateur sexual fantasy floating around in The Twilight Saga. This post is what those of us who ARE familiar with vampires experienced because of Breaking Dawn’s unbelievable ending; and it may help explain for you why this blog exists. It is where absolutely everything started; and demonstrates my intentions for this blog from the beginning. Believe it or not, they were NOT MEAN.

At first, I didn’t know why things were wrong; I only knew that they were – so I was making excuses for Stephenie Meyer in the beginning, LoL! Really… every single estranged TwiFan that she has, USED to be at least a real semi-fan of hers.

Please be patient. I know that most people who are familiar with this controversy have passionate opinions; but what about the rest of you who are completely clueless? I wrote this so that readers would not have to jump off the page, as much. I recommend reading through once; then going back to read links for more details, later. If you get too angry to keep reading, pause and scroll down to the side link collection. I used to be a clueless person in the world, and then a clueless Twilight Movie Fan for a while, too. You’ll see more about me, below. And please forgive the caps, in places. I don’t see them as shouting as some peeps do. They are simply meant to make those words stand out, and that is all…

This blog is all about the accidental and painful over-obsessions of The Twilight Fanbases
that has CONTINUED with a decade of
worldwide bullying and intentional,
emotionally-harsh attacks
on the hearts & minds of little TwiFangirls (and big ones).

The feelings of obsessed fans are real even if
their obsessions are not - until they drift away.
You all KNOW THIS.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for 15 - 24 year olds in the US.

These are all REAL issues, to name a few - for MILLIONS of people:
Maladaptive Daydreaming


Dissociative Disorder
This one is the worst biggie, and starting
to be considered an EPIDEMIC

Why are the obsessions of young girls important?

Because their feelings are real even if the obsessions are not – until they drift away. Young girls NEED their fairytale ‘escapes’ MUCH MORE than older ones do because they have limited ways to cope with life’s crap (read the comments beneath these neverending, misogynistic tabloid assaults – this one is from January 2016). If you’ve never been forced to endure public high school in the US (or anywhere, probably); or been abused as a child (unfortunately, still a common occurrence) - then of course you can’t possibly relate.

How Did this Blog Change to
Tabloid & Paparazzi Reform

- Yeah, I have some really good reasons beyond
Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and their Fans
(Although I’m pretty sure they are enough reason at this point.)

Why Do People Hate Bella Swan and Kristen Stewart?
Believe it or not, this is a very easy question to answer;
and NO it isn’t because she ‘cheated’.

TwiNewsflash: The concerning over-obsessions of young women was the ONLY REASON that Breaking Dawn was forgiven when it was published in 2008. The ONLY people who have defended this story for being written ‘just like it is’ because ‘Stephenie Meyer is a literary genius’ are her YOUNG (and young-at-heart) fans who were used by both the amateur author and her publisher because ‘they weren’t supposed to know any better’ about vampires.

And, these are the fans who get hit & hurt the most by world bullying. It is really crappy of SM and you older ladies to continue letting them believe what they believe about these books - while they ignorantly & arrogantly (in their over-obsessions) deal with all the hate surrounding Twilight that still exists in big, dynamic ways.

Email Excerpt: “Thank you for writing that wonderful blog.. it was heaven sent.. Please someone tell him (this is ‘why the cheating scandal started’, Aug 2012). He just texted me and said he told my mom.. and for me to get some help.. and bye.. please tell him… Everyone is doing this and it’s killing me.. but everyone acts like they don’t know what I’m talking about.. I don’t think I’ve ever needed anything so bad in all my life than for someone to tell him.. I know they are trying to drive me crazy.. and it’s starting to work.. thanks again, was truly a blessing I needed to read very much so.”

Another email excerpt that I hear all the time from all types of fans:
I have tried speaking to my good friend about my obsession and, as with all of my friends,
doesn't like Twilight and totally judged me lol so your feedback means a lot.”

How to Soothe an Intense Twilight / Robsessed / Krisbian / Robsten Obsession

Anti-Twilight Fans could SEE what Stephenie Meyer didn’t MEAN to write;
and Erika didn’t MEAN to write her books ignorantly, either.
Adult women have 50 Shades of obsessive fog to get past before
they can possibly begin to think clearly about this subject.

Why does The Twilight Saga have so many anti-fans? Why are there hardly any male fans? How did Twilight’s infamous obsessions become over-obsessions? Why are so many older women more obsessed than younger ones? Why did the fandom fracture into several various fanbases that fight among themselves? How did we get 50 Shades of Grey out of all this commotion?

I recorded four wildly-ranting videos (this one is my favorite – calling SM out, ha!) over three years ago at the height of my own very unwanted Twilight over-obsession (It’s not like you can unwatch or unread something – or reclaim wasted time). At that point, I was really mad about ‘how I was obsessed’ with this pretty fairytale; and I was mad that Stephenie Meyer had ‘accidentally’ done this to so many other people before me - and didn’t correct any of the dysfunction in her books before she made them into movies.

I actually say this in the second video before I had even heard of 50 Shades of Grey... “It sounds to me like Stephenie has some sort of BDSM fetish, but I don’t even sort of want to think about that right now.” (Video #12 is where you will hear me say this.)

And yet, somehow 50 Shades of Grey (this post is what exactly is wrong with fifty shades) exists as Twilight Fanfiction; and is yet another dysfunctional worldwide ‘phenomenon’?! Do you have any idea how disturbing that is? Not only does it make my skin crawl – it’s just wrong.

There are real amateur literary reasons why Twilight messed with so many people’s heads – especially OLDER women; and we are the ones who get called ‘crazy’ for it - unless we manage to write another dysfunctional (XXX!) blockbuster based on all this negligence…

Did you know that Steph’s publisher didn’t want to publish Breaking Dawn? Did you know that New Moon & Eclipse were not supposed to be in between the 1st & last books? Do you ‘get’ that she didn’t mean to cause so many of her OLDER fans to see Edward Cullen the way they came to see him as Christian Grey? Do you understand that these are the reasons why the world has always &STILL bullies Twilight Fans, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because of her amateur writing mistakes?

Sick-in-the-head older women had absolutely no right to hijack the pretty fairytale of young girls via Fifty Shades of Grey; and they should care when their daughters are being bullied by the world over it, incessantly.

What’s Wrong with Twilight: Chapter One, First Sight?

The Condensed Version:
The Four Main Complaints of this Blog
against Stephenie Meyer and her ‘professional’ Publishers &
Production Franchise for RARE & irresponsible,
professionally-negligent publishing and movie production.

When the first Twilight movie was being made in 2008; the last book, Breaking Dawn had not been released, yet. Because of this, no one knew at that time that Stephenie Meyer was going to bomb her pretty fairytale into the ground until it was published a few months before the release of the first film.

Extreme chaos & debate surrounded Steph and The Twilight Saga at that time for the exact same reasons that surrounds 50 Shades of Grey - but somehow, she got through it (see side links)...

If 'Midnight Sun' had not been 'accidentally' leaked just prior to the first movie being rushed; AND Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had not BOTH nailed their parts in that first movie - Twilight would have been history.

Stephenie Meyer could have written any 'ol ending for her infamously overly-obsessed fans (and really, that seems like what she did); and they would have lapped it up like honey (and they did – especially the ones who didn’t know any better, couldn’t see what was wrong – or didn’t care, because of fifty Shades of BEDWARD!!

The entire world has done nothing but treat Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson AND their emotionally-invested fans like sh*t, since - and the infighting among Twilight's divided and HATEFUL fanbases is ongoing.

Despite all this, 'feminists' have embraced the latest and greatest dysfunctional character, Christian Grey/Edward Cullen/Prince Charming...

Popular Email Question: Why does Stephenie Meyer need to apologize? Because the world can’t heal from the wounds she has inflicted on it if she doesn’t acknowledge her amateur mistakes and apologize for them. All she has done from the beginning of her controversies is metaphorically flip off her critics. While normally that is exactly what you are supposed to do… In this case, with all the professional exceptions that were made while The Twilight Saga was being published; the amateur author (AND the publisher AND production franchise) really needed to be listening to fans. It is NOT NORMAL for roughly half of your fanbase (much less, the world!) to become so angry with you regarding a casual creative expression.

I am just using this true stuff about SM’s amateur writing to grab your attention – and boy does it grab some of you, ha! Now if we could just get past that part of things… I really could care less about Stephenie Meyer’s or EL James’ many ignorant and irresponsible amateur literary mistakes that caused all this chaos. Believe it or not, I have stuck up for Stephenie Meyer so many times over this issue, it’s ridiculous.

Creative ‘Freedom of Speech’ is DIFFERENT than the illegal type of ‘Freedom of Speech’ that tabloids & paparazzi hide behind.

Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press were meant to create transparency in order to protect the truth about absolutely everything - not provide a way for mean, greedy tabloid liars to make money off of young (and young-at-heart) fans who are practically defenseless against emotional tabloid & paparazzi assaults (not to mention how even more defenseless Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are against them)…

This blog now has but one mission: Tabloid & Paparazzi Reform for all celebrities past & present (Princess Diana, anyone?) and it has been that since July 25, 2012 – the day after the infamous cheating scandal. Oh yeah, I’ve been on their stinky tails from the beginning. It hasn’t even been SORT of fun! I really hope we can all manage to put aside our differences and unite to stick it to them, someday. Tabloids & papz so deserve it!!

I don’t care how long it takes. Aside from having really good reasons other than Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson to be concerned for celebrity rights; we fans – no matter which side of the ring we fight on – are getting awfully tired of being manipulated and watching our favorite celebrities being harassed. So many of you do not ‘get’ this; but Robert Pattinson is being attacked and/or used as much as Kristen Stewart in these kinds of stories – no matter ‘how nice’ they seem to be slanted toward him, at times. It is just another way to pour salt on the wounds of their fans by being misogynistic toward both them and Kristen at the same time – using Robert and her anti-fans against their will!!

This is because the world has no respect for Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson or Twilight fans – any version of them; BECAUSE of Stephenie Meyer’s offensive & insulting amateur writing (another reason why she needs to apologize). To the rest of the world, we’re all simply hysterical to bully; just another section of the populace to be targeted and made fun of for profits – via outright assaults and numerous lie upon lie that continues

Boycott all online and print tabloids until they volunteer to reform.



Why Do So Many People Hate Kristen Stewart and/or Bella Swan?
or Why/How did so many of Stephenie Meyer’s OLDER fans become so
‘accidentally’ overly-obsessed with the character of Edward Cullen?
Shortest and most anti-fan & fan-variation-inclusive version that I have written, yet!!
Read it only if you dare… and only if you can be HONEST. ;)

Whatever Happened to the ‘Anti-Twilight Army’
from 2008-2009; and WHY don’t you see their support on this blog?

Stephenie Meyer Knows Why Gossip Rags & Paparazzi won’t leave
Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart (or her beloved fans) alone.

That’s why she deserves this blog; and it is why it will not be deleted until either
Steph, her professional cronies and/or her fans do something to fix the situation:

‘They took all of my heat, which I feel bad about,' Stephenie
tells The Times Magazine. ‘If they had the choice, I've no idea if

they'd even do Twilight again. I just don't know.
I think this has all come at a heavy price.'

Ya think, Steph?!!

Robert Pattinson’s Career-Hindering Rover Smear
Based on the Whole Wide World’s Twilight Saga Hate

This movie FLOPPED amidst RARE (for him) GLOWING reviews from movie critics at
film festivals who compared his performance to Leo DiCaprio’s Oscar-Nominated
performance in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’. Yeah, it’s a HUGE deal!!
This movie would not have tanked without way too much ‘help’ from
tabloid manipulation of Twilight’s huge numbers of anti-fans.

Why the Public Shaming of Kristen Stewart MATTERS to Young Girls
by Nico Lang on Huffington Post

Here’s a splash from Nico’s article: "Trampire:" Why the Public Slut Shaming of Kristen Stewart Matters for Young Women “I don't care if Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders did it in a car, in a bar, in a house or with a mouse. But while I might not be concerned for K-Stew, I am concerned for my younger stepsister who idolizes and worships her....” And this is an update from Nico on Salon: Racist 'Twilight' fans won't stop harassing Robert Pattinson's girlfriend, FKA Twigs

Yeah, Twilight’s still-many hateful and overly-obsessed
fans managed to p*ss all over the debut of the proclaimed

Celebrity Rookie of the Year 2014

Aren’t we sweet?




I have had some really good compliments on my corrective-rewrite of The Twilight Saga from both literary experts and Twilight Fans. It is only a summary, with just the first chapter written as complete to give it the foundation that it should have had (takes 2-3 hours for me to read through it all).

Here is one positive review (sorry, have to scroll down to the comments on this post after the click to read): “I have so very many things to say where to start..... Firstly I love your blog and the rewrite, I felt like you have given the characters depth and a new life. If I were a judge I would totally give you custody! … I am even letting my daughter read it with me because its a good story that is appropriate for kids to read and she LOVES LOVES LOVES IT! Just as much as I do! I think what you have written is loving and responsible to the characters and fans, it is well though out, relevant, and…”

BELIEVE me when I say, I would have MUCH RATHER have LOVED Stephenie Meyer's original Twilight Saga all the way to the bittersweet end. There are not many people on this planet who would have been more PROUD and applauding the loudest for a woman (amateur or not) to have written such a hailed TwiMasterpiece - if Stephenie Meyer had actually done that instead of the embarrassing, barely-edited rough-draft that we got.

This corrective re-write summary is actually very forgiving in many places - at least, where Steph is concerned. I'm sure my anger toward these IRRESPONSIBLE "professional" companies will continue to burn for much longer.

I gave your beautiful fairytale a hell of a shot, sinking MONTHS of my time JUST into researching this subject. (Not counting the months before that when you all had me convinced that it was a WORTHY diversion, ha!)

Between these blogs and the rewrite I have probably written as much as either Steph or Erika have; and I certainly put a lot more thought and creativity (not to mention, knowledge) into it. Just insert either author’s purple prose where applicable while you’re reading, since I didn’t write any – and it is darn near perfect, ha! ;)

As such, you can expect my version of The Twilight Saga to not be XXX. I rewrote Twilight by sticking to the storyline; but I made it believable – really, that was possible. In fact, now that Twilight can be shown as a believable story - it is no longer necessary for Anti-Twilight peeps to continue bullying Twilight Fans just because SM didn’t ‘get’ why she needed to make it believable.

WHY did I take the time to flesh out the character of Bella Swan and Twilight’s vampire (and wolf) storylines? BECAUSE VERY FEW OF YOU OLDER LADIES GIVES A SHIT ABOUT HER (and more importantly, the real Human girl, Kristen Stewart and her millions of young fans) - or ANY of the other Twilight characters, for that matter!

It's EDWARD this and EDWARD that (and sometimes Jacob) - Stephenie BARELY INTRODUCED you to her before you all got hooked on this crap. That's why you can pass this story off, you don't care... You're obsessed about Edward Cullen and could care less about any other character. IF this story had been published for you perverted older brats- Yeah, it would maybe be Ok!

I am NOT talking about you young girls if you're in here reading this - I've heard you talk about Bella and all the other characters. I KNOW you both know and love them, dearly. BUT, those of you who WERE NOT debunked by this storyline (no matter what your age was) SEE these characters differently than so many MORE older ladies do!

Believe it or NOT - Stephenie Meyer and the rest of these women out here (I don't care HOW many of them there are against my ONE voice) are BEING BAD, LoL!

IF we were in college... And the instructor had just given us an assignment to write the first chapter for a novel. IF Stephenie Meyer was a college literary student (which she has been - in FACT, she graduated!); she would probably NOT have gotten an "A" on the first chapter of Twilight - I seriously doubt. I wish a few good English teachers who haven't read the books yet would go through it and grade it - just so we would know, for sure.

I'm not saying that *my* version is a literary marvel - but I have a really good excuse. I have NEVER taken a college writing course much less graduated with a literary degree. If this isn't perfect... Yeah, I know. :)

We make our children do their homework - and dot their "I's" and cross their "T's" - but, WHY didn't this grown adult woman have to?!

I'm going to make you all CARE about Bella and her life, as well as every other character surrounding her - INCLUDING EDWARD - who, it seems to me; you've all just taken under the covers with you to have your way with him like Stephenie Meyer was no doubt doing when she WROTE this stupid saga so ignorantly and irresponsibly...

So when it really comes down to it... YOU robsessed ‘fans’ DON'T even care about Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen, just your sick little "escape"!

The young adult audience that this story was TARGETED FOR - deserved a whole hell of alot better than what they got. THAT is why I rewrote The Twilight Saga... For ALL THOSE former fans who were debunked by Breaking Dawn after it was published; and then abandoned by the arrogant amateur author afterwards.

We KNEW better... and we were EXPECTING better.

AND it IS ALSO for the rest of you... I DARE you; I quadroople-doople DARE you - READ this and tell me you don't care a lot more about Bella at the end of this Chapter One: First Sight rewrite than you did at the end of Stephenie's first one.

You can think whatever you want to about me... But with this, the two things you CAN'T say about me are that *I* don't LOVE this pretty fairytale OR this fanbase.

Yeah, you be the judge – please.


This is a Summary List of Links for this Blog – More Links Galore Within Them!!

Most Popular Keyword Searches
into this blog

The TwiSmears

The Twilight Saga

Stephenie Meyer

The Fanbases

Why the ‘Cheating’ Scandal Started; Telling on My Big TwiSisters (Aug 2012, 1 mo. After)

Nothing but LOVE for
our Twilight Character
Actors & Actresses

An Anti-Twilight Fan's Dream Talk with SM

Twihards - We Movie Fans
Deserve a Discussion

July 2012 'Cheating' Scandal

What actually happened
to Kristen Stewart with Rupert Sanders that day? Why did robsten really break up?

Why is Twilight so Addictive? How Did it Inspire 50 Shades of Grey?

Questions for Steph:
Twilight, a Post-Mortem

Defining Twilight's
Various Fanbases
…In which I actually
stick up for
Stephenie Meyer, OMG!

Additional & Extended Scandal Timelines

- WAY more info than you want; but some peeps just can’t get enough. ;)

What's Wrong with Twilight Chapter
One: First Sight

1st Original Blog Post
- How Can You See
Steph's Sexual Fantasy
Glaring thru Twilight

Letter to My Little Twilight Sisters – Why I Keep Picking on Twilight.

Pre-Cheating Scandal Smears that have been going on since 2008.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2 Movie Reviews
- easiest to see literary dysfunctions

Ramifications of Wrong Writing in the Case of Twilight Addictions
Whatever happened to the Anti-Twilight Army?

Letter to My Big Twilight Sisters – Are You SURE Breaking Dawn is Okay?

Fan & Anti-Fan Hate-Debate; December 2014
- Fans reveal how harmful tabloids have been via online article comments.

Official Reasoning for
Every Little Thing
Wrong with Twilight

The Most Common Keyword Searches into these blogs
HELP with a Twilight Obsession; Immortalicum & ‘Demonic Messages’?!

Why are so Many OLDER
Fans so sick

What Have Heartbroken Fans Been Saying
Since the Scandal in July 2012?

What EXACTLY is Wrong with Stephenie Meyer’s Sparkling ‘Vampires’?
- Written BEFORE I watched her movies.

What a JOKE!
Twilight is Coming to Facebook Because ‘the voices of women are important to Steph’!!

What Does Robert Pattinson Think About His OLDER ‘robsessed’ Twihard & Anti-Twilight ‘Fans’, BOTH?

What Have Mean Fans Been Saying Since the Scandal in July 2012?

YouTube Video Collection
'What's Wrong with The Twilight Saga'

Final Judgment of
The Twilight Saga
Or, Why I HATE (omg!) SM and Her ARMY of Desperate Housewives – et all TwiJerks & Anti-TwiJerks Over 30.

Help Easing a Stubborn
Twilight and/or Robsten

Robert Pattinson's Post-Scandal Career Hindering Rover Smear
- Based on the Wide World’s Twilight Hate

Fanfiction Corrective Rewrite Summary (2+ hours) Edward Cullen
Explains His Pretty
Vampire Sparkles
believable ending
and MORE!

Let’s Talk About ‘Midnight Sun’
and how Steph Could POSSIBLY Make Her Huge Literary Failure up to The World.

Who am I?


Who Am I and Why Am I Trying to Expose Twilight?

NOTE that this was written LONG BEFORE these damn 'robsten' PR assaults started...

I'm not known for brevity in writing (obviously), so I'm moving this really long ramble about me into its own separate post. FYI - I would rather have not gone into this much detail about myself, and if I had known how much it really wouldn't matter to you Twi-hards; I wouldn't have. But maybe (since I've got myself all exposed up here, anyway) it will be interesting to some someone's out there. I could honestly care less at this point whether it is, or not.

*My* story as the author of this blog and why I'm taking the time - obsessively - to make people aware of my disturbing theory about Twilight's seductive draw as being the result of irresponsible and/or incompetent publishing/production companies is below.

Please read through it to see "who I am and why I'm doing this" before you Twi-hards pass judgements on me. It is NOT necessary, however - the links along the side of this blog do a really good job of proving my case without you reading ANY further. We can ALL SEE what Twilight is for ourselves, now.

The reason why you might want to read my story is because it is only one RECENT story out of roughly 40% of Twilight's fan base (approximate & non-confirmed) who became estranged from Twilight when the final book, Breaking Dawn was originally published in 2008. Except, I'm NEW - I'm an estranged Twilight MOVIE fan who can somehow STILL see right through this silly saga, as have SO many others before me. We all feel variations of jipped/disappointed/shocked/disgusted by the dysfunctional ending of Breaking Dawn.

I guess I really don't feel the same way as all the rest of you Twi-hards feel about about Breaking Dawn - although, I really did try. I can certainly see why you see it as "beautiful". But in the end, I feel pretty sad about it, actually - sorry for Bella, more than anything. I'm not even sort of happy for her, and I really really question just how happy the rest of you are (read my post "Letter to My BIG Twilight Sisters" for this point).

Oh, that's right she's not real... We're just supposed to treat what happens to Bella as if it was "The Word" written through a Prophetess of God?


I know all you Twilight women are incredibly mad at me, obviously. Maybe it will help for you to hear a little bit more about “me” – the Human person who is currently making a big hairy deal about how harmful Twilight has been on the minds & lives of us younger and older women, alike.

I’m one of the very typical women in this country who had a really dire childhood for awhile. My childhood traumas are so typical in fact, that I'm willing to bet that is one of the reasons why there are so many of us women who are so enthralled with this story. I bet if we took another poll, the majority of you older Twi-hard Breaking Dawn fans have similar stories or tragedies in your lives either in the present or in your past that this story takes you away from.

As a result of *my* past, I almost constantly struggle with depression and I have an incredibly addictive personality - especially when it comes to getting hooked on things like Twilight. Just about every single movie, TV series or rock star that I have ever been mildly interested in has become an obsession for me for awhile in one form or another since I was 6 or 7ish.

I remember my first "alternative world" clearly, "BJ and the Bear" - anyone remember that TV show about a truck driver whose sidekick was a monkey? (Ok, chimp, I think, ha!)? Well I was really missing my dad, and it was pretty much starting to look like I wasn't the center of my parent's Universe anymore - so I found another much more fun dad to take me away on all kinds of roadtrips across the country - with a monkey named Bear!

What a FUN and cathartic escape it was for me at the age of 7! It was awhile longer before my worlds swerved into romance (the fireman rescuing you from the burning building) to sexual fantasies with the assistance of "Tiger Beat" teen magazine (which is where us teenage girls from the Midwest got all our up-to-date teen celebrity info back then).

But, I developed this special ability as a means to survive as a child in this "real" world for awhile; and I've just never been able to really step out of this lifestyle - I guess you could call it that - successfully. Yeah, it has been incredibly difficult for me to have relationships - although believe it or not, I was married once for a decade.

No kids, but I did miscarry twins, once... Just about this time of year every year, I fall into a deep, dark haze and by New Year's Eve I'm nowhere to be found for a few days since it is the anniversary of my miscarriage (Yeah, I SURE could REALLY have used this beautiful little fantasy again this year - having it busted like this has been traumatizing, at times. If *I* had been any "less strong" as a damaged individual - this could VERY well have tipped me into a suicide phase - and it DAMN NEAR DID! But, this is how you break yourself out of addictions like this - you try to find another diversion (and if that doesn't work because you're SICK to DEATH of your head being F*#K!d with; you RE-channel your energies into something else that matters to you - so HERE I Go!).

...I'm SURE this is one of the hot spots for me within my own personal psyche as far as Stephenie's Twilight storyline ending in Breaking Dawn goes. I don't have any children - and while I no longer want them like I once did (yeah, I could still have them). I guess I find Stephenie's twist in Breaking Dawn somewhat offensive - aside from it being an unbelievable storyline for Vampires. You don't have to have a child at a young age in order to have an identity or happiness as a woman - and neither does Bella!

I may not sound like a very happy person to you, but it took me awhile to figure out my life (alot longer than it took Bella, ha!); and I am actually quite content where I am, now. My life isn't perfect, in fact, most people looking at it would judge it to be a complete disaster. (You can be sure that my MOM is at the TOP of this list, and she has been for a LONG TIME - poor thing!)

I am a hermit throughout most of the year, but I keep myself mentally-balanced with a very social job  - which is why you are seeing me up here all by myself on this blog instead of with a cadre of friends backing me up; although I do usually develop a serious case of Spring Fever almost every year that compels me to "try and find a real life" for awhile. I always fail for no other reason than I sabotage myself over and over again. It is also, incidentally, one of the reasons why *I* get hung up on fantasies about "bold, beautiful guys who love you NO MATTER WHAT! (Not sure what everyone else's excuse is, ha!).

I live in a perpetual state of chaos in my mind, but I've come to accept the fact that I will never be "normal" or remotely sane by the world's standards - which is another reason why my revelation is shocking to me - why the hell am *I* suddenly the sane one?! If ANYONE should be as "into" this beautiful-baby-story it should be ME!

You have no idea how incredibly absurd it is that *I* am the one standing up here completely by myself on this soapbox - I should be one of the people on your side, practically willing to defend it as if Twilight Breaking Dawn were my own home & hearth! (I ALSO think that alot of people who watched the movie immediately went out and read the books - that's probably another reason why I'm alone up here - at the moment.)

this story and anything else I've ever been hooked on, is that I didn't get hooked on stuff like this just because some amateur author "woops" made some professional, literary mistakes. I'm very picky about what I watch and what I read because of my wonky brain - it was exactly one of the reasons why I kept pushing Steve's suggestions away about Twilight. I know how susceptible I am when it comes to VAMPIRES! I didn't tell him that part, of course - but he could sure see it after I was hooked!

I'd already gone through *my* little vampire series obsessions with Buffy & Angel (I have yet to mention Spike, btw - and he became the guy who blew my obsession with Angel out of the water. He was my dark companion and fantasy lover for the longest time... I just figured he deserved a shout-out in here - THANK YOU, JAMES MARSTERS for all the make-believe, hysterical JOY!)

As far as I was concerned for those first two years, Twilight was "this generation's Buffy". I didn't hate it, I didn't know anything about it to hate it other than the fact that the Vampires sparkled. Whenever people would mock the movie, I would laugh along with them and say something like, "whatever... its the vampire thing of this generation". I totally get how easy it is to write this story off as "just another teen-cult love story".

But I know how "real" all this feels to you... And if this was a story targeted at us ladies, I would not be making a big deal, at all. I'm sure I really would be agreeing with the rest of you, "So What?! It's a harmless fantasy done tragically well enough to tap into the core of where I live and breathe - MORE, PLEASE!

But I remember being a teenager and how obsessive I would get. In my mind, whatever world I was living in was "the real one" (as it still is) - all warm and cozy and safe; and "out here" is just the stage where I have to play the character I'm assigned to be in this existence. Who the hell wants to live in this world?! It really is the hardest thing to do, most days...

Is Twilight really the kind of addictive story that should have been directed at our daughters - girls who (hopefully) don't have any reason to become so enthralled with such silly story? I mean, I'm sure some girls are fine... But how many aren't, and more importantly - how do you know? How WILL you know until they're done growing up?

There is a part of me that (admittedly) doesn't think Twilight would have been harmful at all if the author had taken them onto the amazing adventures that she could/should have. At least their minds would have been obsessed about something constructive that was inspiring them to reach out for their lives, not bury themselves in this bad, domestic-goddess fairytale.

These interior fantasy lives literally become temporary lives for many of us for awhile - maybe that goes for men with regards to fantasies, too. I've come across a few "men addicted to Twilight" articles out there. I may be an extreme case, but you are all just too damn scary - you're reminding me of ME and you're OUT HERE where things are supposed to make semi-sense!

I'm obviously not a stupid woman, you can see that. I was one of those kids who breezed through highschool without barely paying attention. I also had a couple of really good English teachers (WOOT for COOL TEACHERS!) who recognized that I had a talent for writing and encouraged it; along with a school librarian who would stop me in the hallway and hand me the latest & neatest book she had just gotten in - because I was the student who had the longest list of books checked out. I had an incredibly hungry mind back then. And I can remember memories crisp & clear from the age of 3ish onward - and I also KNOW that I'm NOT THAT SPECIAL!

I KNOW that I could have done any damn thing I wanted to with my life, and I could have been successful at it if I had wanted it bad enough - I know that about myself with every fiber of my being. But, I CHOOSE to accept the dysfunctional aspects of my life because its really just so damn much easier, fun, satisfying and ultimately rewarding than "real life" - why bother with it?

WHAT is going to happen to these young girls who have become so overly-obsessed with such a seductive, dysfunctional story like Twilight? How many months/years have some of them (and some us older ladies) lost to our addiction? How much damage has been done to their/our interior & exterior lives (I've read in some places about some marriages ending over Twilight)? AND how many girls & women are STILL becoming addicted?

I'm a grown-up and a professional at this living-in-a-fantasy stuff. I move from one fantasy addiction to the next like a slut; and each and every one becomes "everything" to me for the duration of my stay - and after I leave it, I don't come back to it - it just sort of turns into a bunch of fond memories that should probably be based a whole hell of alot more in "real life". But this is my choice as an adult for my life and I realize my dysfunction - and I can and do control it when it becomes necessary - like now, apparently.

How much time have you lost because of the Twilight Saga? How much time have our girls lost that they can never get back? Bella is a character who obviously inspires us girls, but to turn the story of Twilight into a domestic-goddess fairytale is just so wrong... How can you not see that?

I mean, the LEAST all you grown women out there could have done is make sure that this obsession was WORTH the waste like every other obsession we've ever gone through together throughout our lives!

And for the record... I've received a couple of really swell emails (not sure why I'm getting speckled in email, but at least its something); about how I must be an "incredibly sad, sexually-frustrated, pathetic Human being" - well, thanks for recognizing me as a Human being.

I actually have quite a compartmentalized, cool, "all-mine" life; and I can assure you that I may not be emotionally satisfied when it comes to the naughty stuff - but I'm having a blast on the side! Do I wish it was more? Yeah, but less and less, actually...

Want More?
- How I Know What I'm Talking About -

*Note: If you want to keep reading "consecutively" through this blog in order to read through the entire story as it unfolded to me (again, not necessary - but interesting, maybe) this post was originally the beginning of the current top post on this blog, "Letter to My BIG Twilight Sisters". It is a VERY interesting read to all, even if you're not a Twilight fan. It does a good job of exposing our "obsessiveness" surrounding Twilight. This post is THE START of leading you through - post by post - what happened from the beginning and then what happened NEXT, etc.

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BTW, this poll used to contain 508 votes at one point in time. I'm not sure what has happened with losing votes - either Twihards who originally voted realized their votes were incriminating their beloved goddess/amateur author; OR all these accounts have simply been closed over the course of four months for whatever reasons. Doesn't matter, I've got the original 'important' numbers recorded within these posts.

Taking Our Temperature... How are YOU feeling, Twihards? Choose multiple answers as they apply.