I'm not known for brevity in writing (obviously), so I'm moving this really long ramble about me into its own separate post. FYI - I would rather have not gone into this much detail about myself, and if I had known how much it really wouldn't matter to you Twi-hards; I wouldn't have. But maybe (since I've got myself all exposed up here, anyway) it will be interesting to some someone's out there. I could honestly care less at this point whether it is, or not.
*My* story as the author of this blog and why I'm taking the time - obsessively - to make people aware of my disturbing theory about Twilight's seductive draw as being the result of irresponsible and/or incompetent publishing/production companies is below.
Please read through it to see "who I am and why I'm doing this" before you Twi-hards pass judgements on me. It is NOT necessary, however - the links along the side of this blog do a really good job of proving my case without you reading ANY further. We can ALL SEE what Twilight is for ourselves, now.
The reason why you might want to read my story is because it is only one RECENT story out of roughly 40% of Twilight's fan base (approximate & non-confirmed) who became estranged from Twilight when the final book, Breaking Dawn was originally published in 2008. Except, I'm NEW - I'm an estranged Twilight MOVIE fan who can somehow STILL see right through this silly saga, as have SO many others before me. We all feel variations of jipped/disappointed/shocked/disgusted by the dysfunctional ending of Breaking Dawn.
I guess I really don't feel the same way as all the rest of you Twi-hards feel about about Breaking Dawn - although, I really did try. I can certainly see why you see it as "beautiful". But in the end, I feel pretty sad about it, actually - sorry for Bella, more than anything. I'm not even sort of happy for her, and I really really question just how happy the rest of you are (read my post "Letter to My BIG Twilight Sisters" for this point).
Oh, that's right she's not real... We're just supposed to treat what happens to Bella as if it was "The Word" written through a Prophetess of God?
I’m one of the very typical women in this country who had a really dire childhood for awhile. My childhood traumas are so typical in fact, that I'm willing to bet that is one of the reasons why there are so many of us women who are so enthralled with this story. I bet if we took another poll, the majority of you older Twi-hard Breaking Dawn fans have similar stories or tragedies in your lives either in the present or in your past that this story takes you away from.
As a result of *my* past, I almost constantly struggle with depression and I have an incredibly addictive personality - especially when it comes to getting hooked on things like Twilight. Just about every single movie, TV series or rock star that I have ever been mildly interested in has become an obsession for me for awhile in one form or another since I was 6 or 7ish.
I remember my first "alternative world" clearly, "BJ and the Bear" - anyone remember that TV show about a truck driver whose sidekick was a monkey? (Ok, chimp, I think, ha!)? Well I was really missing my dad, and it was pretty much starting to look like I wasn't the center of my parent's Universe anymore - so I found another much more fun dad to take me away on all kinds of roadtrips across the country - with a monkey named Bear!
What a FUN and cathartic escape it was for me at the age of 7! It was awhile longer before my worlds swerved into romance (the fireman rescuing you from the burning building) to sexual fantasies with the assistance of "Tiger Beat" teen magazine (which is where us teenage girls from the Midwest got all our up-to-date teen celebrity info back then).
But, I developed this special ability as a means to survive as a child in this "real" world for awhile; and I've just never been able to really step out of this lifestyle - I guess you could call it that - successfully. Yeah, it has been incredibly difficult for me to have relationships - although believe it or not, I was married once for a decade.
No kids, but I did miscarry twins, once... Just about this time of year every year, I fall into a deep, dark haze and by New Year's Eve I'm nowhere to be found for a few days since it is the anniversary of my miscarriage (Yeah, I SURE could REALLY have used this beautiful little fantasy again this year - having it busted like this has been traumatizing, at times. If *I* had been any "less strong" as a damaged individual - this could VERY well have tipped me into a suicide phase - and it DAMN NEAR DID! But, this is how you break yourself out of addictions like this - you try to find another diversion (and if that doesn't work because you're SICK to DEATH of your head being F*#K!d with; you RE-channel your energies into something else that matters to you - so HERE I Go!).
...I'm SURE this is one of the hot spots for me within my own personal psyche as far as Stephenie's Twilight storyline ending in Breaking Dawn goes. I don't have any children - and while I no longer want them like I once did (yeah, I could still have them). I guess I find Stephenie's twist in Breaking Dawn somewhat offensive - aside from it being an unbelievable storyline for Vampires. You don't have to have a child at a young age in order to have an identity or happiness as a woman - and neither does Bella!
I may not sound like a very happy person to you, but it took me awhile to figure out my life (alot longer than it took Bella, ha!); and I am actually quite content where I am, now. My life isn't perfect, in fact, most people looking at it would judge it to be a complete disaster. (You can be sure that my MOM is at the TOP of this list, and she has been for a LONG TIME - poor thing!)
I am a hermit throughout most of the year, but I keep myself mentally-balanced with a very social job - which is why you are seeing me up here all by myself on this blog instead of with a cadre of friends backing me up; although I do usually develop a serious case of Spring Fever almost every year that compels me to "try and find a real life" for awhile. I always fail for no other reason than I sabotage myself over and over again. It is also, incidentally, one of the reasons why *I* get hung up on fantasies about "bold, beautiful guys who love you NO MATTER WHAT! (Not sure what everyone else's excuse is, ha!).
I live in a perpetual state of chaos in my mind, but I've come to accept the fact that I will never be "normal" or remotely sane by the world's standards - which is another reason why my revelation is shocking to me - why the hell am *I* suddenly the sane one?! If ANYONE should be as "into" this beautiful-baby-story it should be ME!
You have no idea how incredibly absurd it is that *I* am the one standing up here completely by myself on this soapbox - I should be one of the people on your side, practically willing to defend it as if Twilight Breaking Dawn were my own home & hearth! (I ALSO think that alot of people who watched the movie immediately went out and read the books - that's probably another reason why I'm alone up here - at the moment.)
BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN this story and anything else I've ever been hooked on, is that I didn't get hooked on stuff like this just because some amateur author "woops" made some professional, literary mistakes. I'm very picky about what I watch and what I read because of my wonky brain - it was exactly one of the reasons why I kept pushing Steve's suggestions away about Twilight. I know how susceptible I am when it comes to VAMPIRES! I didn't tell him that part, of course - but he could sure see it after I was hooked!
I'd already gone through *my* little vampire series obsessions with Buffy & Angel (I have yet to mention Spike, btw - and he became the guy who blew my obsession with Angel out of the water. He was my dark companion and fantasy lover for the longest time... I just figured he deserved a shout-out in here - THANK YOU, JAMES MARSTERS for all the make-believe, hysterical JOY!)
As far as I was concerned for those first two years, Twilight was "this generation's Buffy". I didn't hate it, I didn't know anything about it to hate it other than the fact that the Vampires sparkled. Whenever people would mock the movie, I would laugh along with them and say something like, "whatever... its the vampire thing of this generation". I totally get how easy it is to write this story off as "just another teen-cult love story".
But I know how "real" all this feels to you... And if this was a story targeted at us ladies, I would not be making a big deal, at all. I'm sure I really would be agreeing with the rest of you, "So What?! It's a harmless fantasy done tragically well enough to tap into the core of where I live and breathe - MORE, PLEASE!
But I remember being a teenager and how obsessive I would get. In my mind, whatever world I was living in was "the real one" (as it still is) - all warm and cozy and safe; and "out here" is just the stage where I have to play the character I'm assigned to be in this existence. Who the hell wants to live in this world?! It really is the hardest thing to do, most days...
Is Twilight really the kind of addictive story that should have been directed at our daughters - girls who (hopefully) don't have any reason to become so enthralled with such silly story? I mean, I'm sure some girls are fine... But how many aren't, and more importantly - how do you know? How WILL you know until they're done growing up?
There is a part of me that (admittedly) doesn't think Twilight would have been harmful at all if the author had taken them onto the amazing adventures that she could/should have. At least their minds would have been obsessed about something constructive that was inspiring them to reach out for their lives, not bury themselves in this bad, domestic-goddess fairytale.
These interior fantasy lives literally become temporary lives for many of us for awhile - maybe that goes for men with regards to fantasies, too. I've come across a few "men addicted to Twilight" articles out there. I may be an extreme case, but you are all just too damn scary - you're reminding me of ME and you're OUT HERE where things are supposed to make semi-sense!
I'm obviously not a stupid woman, you can see that. I was one of those kids who breezed through highschool without barely paying attention. I also had a couple of really good English teachers (WOOT for COOL TEACHERS!) who recognized that I had a talent for writing and encouraged it; along with a school librarian who would stop me in the hallway and hand me the latest & neatest book she had just gotten in - because I was the student who had the longest list of books checked out. I had an incredibly hungry mind back then. And I can remember memories crisp & clear from the age of 3ish onward - and I also KNOW that I'm NOT THAT SPECIAL!
I KNOW that I could have done any damn thing I wanted to with my life, and I could have been successful at it if I had wanted it bad enough - I know that about myself with every fiber of my being. But, I CHOOSE to accept the dysfunctional aspects of my life because its really just so damn much easier, fun, satisfying and ultimately rewarding than "real life" - why bother with it?
WHAT is going to happen to these young girls who have become so overly-obsessed with such a seductive, dysfunctional story like Twilight? How many months/years have some of them (and some us older ladies) lost to our addiction? How much damage has been done to their/our interior & exterior lives (I've read in some places about some marriages ending over Twilight)? AND how many girls & women are STILL becoming addicted?
I'm a grown-up and a professional at this living-in-a-fantasy stuff. I move from one fantasy addiction to the next like a slut; and each and every one becomes "everything" to me for the duration of my stay - and after I leave it, I don't come back to it - it just sort of turns into a bunch of fond memories that should probably be based a whole hell of alot more in "real life". But this is my choice as an adult for my life and I realize my dysfunction - and I can and do control it when it becomes necessary - like now, apparently.
How much time have you lost because of the Twilight Saga? How much time have our girls lost that they can never get back? Bella is a character who obviously inspires us girls, but to turn the story of Twilight into a domestic-goddess fairytale is just so wrong... How can you not see that?
I mean, the LEAST all you grown women out there could have done is make sure that this obsession was WORTH the waste like every other obsession we've ever gone through together throughout our lives!
And for the record... I've received a couple of really swell emails (not sure why I'm getting speckled in email, but at least its something); about how I must be an "incredibly sad, sexually-frustrated, pathetic Human being" - well, thanks for recognizing me as a Human being.
I actually have quite a compartmentalized, cool, "all-mine" life; and I can assure you that I may not be emotionally satisfied when it comes to the naughty stuff - but I'm having a blast on the side! Do I wish it was more? Yeah, but less and less, actually...
*Note: If you want to keep reading "consecutively" through this blog in order to read through the entire story as it unfolded to me (again, not necessary - but interesting, maybe) this post was originally the beginning of the current top post on this blog, "Letter to My BIG Twilight Sisters". It is a VERY interesting read to all, even if you're not a Twilight fan. It does a good job of exposing our "obsessiveness" surrounding Twilight. This post is THE START of leading you through - post by post - what happened from the beginning and then what happened NEXT, etc.